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Fifty Shades of Grey ( kindle Pdf ) By E.L. James – Epub and TXT

Free read Fifty Shades of Grey

T Sie kommt von ihm nicht los Christian führt Ana ein in eine dunkle gefährliche Welt der Liebe – in eine Welt vor der sie zurückschreckt und die sie doch mit unwiderstehlicher Kraft anzieh Head s up If any of you fuckers comment at the bottom of this review and say You don t understand BDSM I will hunt you down and make you eat your computer plus the mouse plus the keyboard plus any other internet connected devices in your home including but not limited to iPhones iPods iPads Androids games consoles and ereaders This book is not an accurate or healthy portrayal of a real BDSM relationship between two consensual and enthusiastic parties Thus by defending it as such you are doing a disservice to the actual culture of BDSM no kinkshaming So don t fuck with me and try to pull that shitOh also there will be a substantial amount of cussing throughout this review If you care about the sanctity of your virgin eyes then shut down your computer and go do something else We are all grown ass adults and this is the internet If you re going to come over and here and lecture me about swearing then I d advise that you PIPE the fuck down and stop being so bloody delicate Alrighty then You guessed it guys it s story timeWhen I was thirteen I decided I wanted to be an author For years I d chattered away about being an architect or a vet or what have you but who was I kidding All I ever wanted to do was write So I sat down and I did I did writeI m actually not shitting you I thought it would be as easy as sitting down and writing some crap on Wordpad alright calm down this was the noughties and I wrote a lot of crap I tried to write a play and then I tried poetry and then I wrote short stories before eventually expanding into novels Novels is a stretch I wrote about a hundred single spaced pages and to my present day horror made my family read it And they actually did Remember all those embarrassingly awful school projects you did when you were thirteen Or even just those embarrassingly awful things you did in general when you were thirteen I feel the same level of shame when I think of my little preteen self handing this pile of shit over to my sister and thinking I actually had somethingAbout a year later with zero knowledge of how publishing works I posted it straight into a bunch of indie publisher s slushpiles A vanity publisher replied to me and told me they didn t want my work and I did the undoable I argued with themAs I write this I m practically convulsing with embarrassment Vanity Publisher if you re reading this please forget I ever existed But if you can t do that at least give me an alias when you tell all your friends about that dumb kid who sent you the book about pyromania without having done any researchIn some ways having read this book I finally feel like I identify with that vanity publisher I read someone s irredeemable shit and hated it but then they tried to defend it and I got so mad I broke a window with my facePeeps if you think EL James hasn t tried to defend this shit then you need to get on YouTube and watch some pleading vids from the publisherI justI haven t read a book this awful since Revealing Eden but let s not open that can of worms It was like an acid trip Am I reading this I thought Is this actually a published book Are people actually parting with money for this slab of steaming garbageI feel like this book insulted me really I feel like it spat in my face because what reader respecting author would create a protagonist this redundant and awe inspiringly dense expecting an audience to love and respect her It s as if someone took an ice cream scoop and relieved Ana of her brain How could you Why would you Why is sheI justI have no words I have no words to explain this protagonist None at all I have to say about the love interest who s like a threatening Charles Manson but with only one brainwashed follower Ana This guy goes to the hardware store and buys like chains and lime and shit and Ana doesn t think this is weirdWhat the fucking fuckAnd of course there s the whole inner goddess shit and Ana thinking that it s sexy to wear a chunky knit sweater and be strapped into a vehicle and then using the word vagina during a sex scene Oh he touched my vaginaYeah excuse me while I tame my bonerI felt so uncomfortable reading this book Now let s be honest here I read porn Of course I read porn Anyone over sixteen who says they ve never looked at or read porn is talking out of their ass But this book made me feel uncomfortable and here s the kicker I read it alone I was reading it alone in my living room and I felt uncomfortable inside my own head What the fuck does that tell youI don t want to start yammering on about the way this book is written It s written like horrendous fanfiction There are spelling and punctuation errors stupid turns of phrase random asides stilted dialogue awful physical descriptions weird pacing and I don t know like a thousand instances of brand dropping and band naming which gives the book this bizarre cheap and dated uality that really takes away from what little redeeming features it might have hadWhat are the redeeming features I don t know The blurb sounds interesting That s about itBut what is it about this book that s captured the attention of so many millions of people across the world The absurdly stupid protagonist The pushy obsessive totally unrealistic love interest The relationship in which only one party is actually interested in BDSM and the other is incredibly resistant to it but is forced into it The terrible writing The awful cover art The cheap thin binding A story so convoluted so ridiculous so totally immature it could only ever have been born from Twilight There is nothing enjoyable about this book This book is garbage There are no two ways about it it is shit Awful awful shit And I m not sorry for saying so This is my fucking opinion and I m damn well going to voice it This book can kiss my ass

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Fifty Shades of Grey

Sie ist 21 Literaturstudentin und in der Liebe nicht allzu erfahren Doch dann lernt Ana Steele den reichen und ebenso unverschämt selbstbewussten wie attraktiven Unternehmer Christian Grey bei What in the hell just happened Did I really read that Oh my god I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She s insecure to the point of it being laughable klutzy even though she only trips twice in the entire book and a complete ditz She s a virgin of course who s never taken any sexual interest in anyone before Right I m fairly certain there hasn t been a woman this naive since round about 1954 At one point she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian s lusty advances Fuckin really She flushes constantly and on several occasions referred to her hoo hoo naughty place as down there Next we have Christian Grey Christian is a misogynistic self loathing abusive piece of shit Apparently his only redeeming ualities are in this order his ridiculous good looks his money and his giant penis The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he s being lovable and those times are few and far between Most of the time he s serious brooding and threatening How charmingI knew from the very first line this wasn t going to be good I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror It was cemented that early my deep deep dislike for this moronic simpering asshole Your hair won t behave Guess what My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any sympathy she feels for her sick friend is unwelcome Unwelcome apparently because her friend is beautiful even when she has the flu What a petty jealous cunt The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother and his freuent commentary was amusingly distracting Once he gave up however I had to travel the rest of the road alone What a painful journey it was My first impressions of Ana were bad deservedly so What were my first impressions of Christian Well That s how I felt about Christian Grey From the beginning Any time an author tries to sell me on a character s charm by waxing hormonal about how ridiculously good looking he is I snicker inwardly I can t think why HuhAnyway after reading about the description of Christian s building hello first penis metaphor I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something anything would distract me enough to see me through to the end Turns out I found something about 15% through I went back and counted and kept track throughout the rest of the book and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said Oh my in this monumentally bad missive Do you I ll tell you 79 79 motherfucking times He pulled me back against his chest oh my He began kissing a trail down my belly oh my He s an insufferable douchenozzle oh my I m just thankful that neither lions tigers nor bears were brought into this mess at any point About halfway through I wished I d been keeping track of the word crap because Ana is constantly sayingthinking it Crap Holy Crap Double and Triple Crap Oh Crap This Crap That Crap any and all Crap Speaking of crap if I ever ever ever have to hearread the words inner goddess again I m going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads light it and toss unsuspecting women into it My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don t shut the fuck up I m sorry I just couldn t take any of this seriously His playroom His playroom Really Or how about his weird ass issues with food He wants the girl slim and in shape yet he won t stop trying to force her to eat I simply love the attempt EL James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities Ana wears Converse drives a vintage car and likes classic British lit Yawn haven t heard any of that before And Christian we know Christian s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love his love of music Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music Music lovers just aren t capable of doing anything bad Surprise Psychos like music too Since this is considered nothing than mommy porn I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment Were the sex scenes well written Well none of it was particularly well written The sex scenes could be kind ofhonestly they were kind of boring I ve had exciting sex myself so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience There s nothing revolutionary here and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic I mean come on he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing than a passing pleasant soreness Riiiight How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth Hello Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection Oh or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob during which Ana established herself as some kind of ueen of Deepthroat Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene Oh you ve already heard about the tampon scene Yeah same here although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different For some reason you imagine it being worse than it actually is while at the same time reading about it is horrifying than you could possibly imagine He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string what Andgently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet Look I m not against sex during menses but a guy plucking out a girl s tampon Yeah gross I m not a prude but there are certain lines people just shouldn t cross What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana s raggin because he hates using condoms Apparently Mr GinormoDick doesn t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he s doing to remedy Ana s sexual ignorance Sexual dependence thy name is Anastasia Steele We re supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating Hm Well Christian s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit sense now as does Ana s assertion that he has a giant bologna wand She has absolutely zero experience and she s never once had anything in there Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she d still be like Oh my glob How is it ever going to fit It s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms though because now she s capable of having like 15 a day or something It s ridiculous Come to think of it Christian s obsession with her eating habits makes a bit sense now She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie Seriously though are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she s never even masturbated I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening butreally Oh he s soooo good in bed How the hell would she know She has absolutely nothing with which to compare not even her own damn hand Now I ll be totally honest the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing It s the plot Thin as it is it s still there its core message being that given enough time you can change someone While I don t have any problem with this if all you re trying to do is help them to lose weight or uit smoking when you re talking about an emotionally and dangerously close to physically abusive relationship sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible Christian is controlling possessive condescending and cruel He doesn t allow Ana to behave as she normally would and Ana just puts up with it insistent that if she can give him what he wants when he wants as often as he wants she can eventually begin to pull his strings Will it work In the books probably In real life No Almost never How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they ve read shit like this and think this kind of fucked up fairytale will come true for them I ve known women with this mentality Oh he s so dark and dangerous and threatening but he s got a sad lonely side and if I could just figure out what s wrong I could change him Wake the fuck up He may be hot he may have a huge dick he may even be rich that doesn t make him a good person It doesn t even make him a potentially good person uitBeingAFuckingIdiot Look I can make my words Staccato like Christian Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out Ana and Christian I said don t roll your eyes at meChristian stalks Ana which she turns into a fucking joke and whispers things to her threateningly She s constantly afraid he s going to beat the crap out of her and with good reason as he on than one occasion tells her he s going towants toPotential rape is downplayed Ana s friend Jake Jose starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they re both drunk Ana repeatedly says no but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop however and saves her Ana understandably avoids Jose for a while after that and when her other friend asks her why all Ana says is He made a pass at me Later on she and Jose are friends again the attempted kiss forgotten SighRapists appear to be a theme Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person This is not just in the bedroom but in Ana s overall life On several occasions he fails to yield when Ana says no plunging on regardless assured she ll like whatever he does anyway so why bother stopping And there are women out there who think this is romantic I wish you the best of luck ladies Just keep in mind that while you re fantasizing about abusive misogynistic assholes like Grey there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him For all you ladies bustin out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr Grey I want you to do something for me It ll only take a moment Close your eyes Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book Not just those supposed sweet things but really everything His condescension his control his insane jealousy his threatsand nowimagine he looks like this Still turned on The end of the book was absolutely hilarious with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can t give her what she needs love sniff And we re treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian s hands and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian It really is classic abuse mentality Yet I see her being touted by some as strong and independent It s this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades Women who defend this book are however unwittingly participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I ve ever witnessed giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased abused and controlled outside of a consensual Domsub relationship This is not a book about BDSM this is a book about one sick abusive man and his obsession with a young naive invertebrate It s a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn t even show her the faintest glimmer of respect It s about two attention starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is like the best thing ever OMG It s trite insulting and dangerous I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate If nothing else it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs This book does good men and indeed all of humanity a disservice SighA bestseller They re thinking of turning it into a movieI can t Word Count Oh My 79Crap 101Jeez 82Holy shitfuckcraphellcowmoses 172Whoa 13Gasp 34Gasps 11Sharp Intake of Breath 4Murmur 68Murmurs 139Whisper 96Whispers 103Mutter 28Mutters 23Fifty 16Lip 71Inner goddess 58Subconscious 82Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker Fifty Shades 2

E.L. James å 2 Free download

Einem Interview für ihre Uni Zeitung kennen Und möchte ihn eigentlich schnellstmöglich wieder vergessen denn die Begegnung mit ihm hat sie zutiefst verwirrt So sehr sie sich aber darum bemüh Garbage Absolutely horrifying utter trash A waste of trees bookshelf space and precious oh so very fucking precious braincells Honestly why is this even published Every single book store in Sydney is promoting this tripe claiming it to be some kind of awesome romance novel Are you absolutely shitting me There is nothing romantic at all about this book And I don t mean the BDSM erotica themes I mean the fifty levels of abuse in this friggin thing In fact that s what this book should be called Fifty shades of absolute fucking insanity and abuse I know at least every one star reviewer has taken the title and created their own pun with it but fuck it I m jumping on the bandwagon too Before I decided to read this God help me I kept seeing it everywhere I went and the book store where I work was involved in the promotion among other book store chains Typical All me and my co workers knew that it was smut and a hell of a lot of it too We even turned the book into a drinking game and it goes as thus Flip to a random page of the book If it s something dirty take a drink I do not recommend this game for one could die from alcohol poisoning within the first round But if you re feeling adventurous by all means Glad I could be of service to your crazy party ideas But anyway let s cut to my opinion of this abomination of literature I decided to read it because it sounded like garbage and I haven t written a review about garbage in too long I owed something to the people who actually found me worthwhile to follow on Goodreads So I decided hell I ll review this Brain cells I will never ever EVER get backThis is literally the worst book I have ever read and I say that about many books But this is the worst book for a damn good reason Let s talk about what I hated about this book The bottom line is I hated absolutely everything And I m not saying that to be funny I m saying that out of all seriousness I didn t find a single redeeming uality in this book With the Hush hush series we at least had the unintentional hilarity and the awesomeness of Marcie In Twilight we had that chick who wanted to kill Bella and Tyler s van Fifty shades of Grey has no such redeeming ualities The characters are bland and merely props to set the stage for fucking weird BDSM ing and the plot was lost somewhere in the vagina of the author s wet dream Believe me I feel weird for even typing these words Not to mention even though everyone already knows this this was originally a Twilight fan fiction called Master of the universe or some shitty stupid title like that How did such a thing get published What Twilight wasn t horrible and abuse glorifying enough so we had to kick it up a notch with publishing Master of the universe Are you people serious Why is it that dumber and dumber things are getting published uality is almost non existent Fucking hell But before I rant on for hours about that let s talk about the characters Oh I mean props Yeah props is appropriate Why Because the characters for all the personality they had may as well have been props Our first main prop is Ana aka Bella Swan The plain virginal wallflower who thinks lowly of herself whilst everyone around her just seems to freaking worship her She is also clumsy reads books has divorced parents doesn t get along with her step father and is a brain dead moronic twat Remind you of anyone I wonder who you re thinking of That is a humdinger isn t it I m amazed how many women are not pissed off with her complete lack of sense and self respect She lets a man abuse her physically and emotionally and allows him to satiate his ever growing need to control her completely passing it off as some cute obsessive habit And even if she has doubts and runs away she comes running back to him only seconds after How are people not pissed off about this Seriously Not to mention she has zero personality zero brain cells and zero common sense Her character serves no purpose other than becoming some abusive asshole s sex toy And let s not forget our second main prop Christian Grey aka Edward Cullen aka creepy stalker sociopathic megalomaniacal abusive horrifying asshole The fact that he has fangirls in the real world has pretty much ruined my faith in mankind and the new generation Christian Gray pretty much pushes the limits that Edward Cullen Patch Daniel and others have yet to push due to their PG ratings but fuck does Christian Grey push those fucking limits He physically abuses Ana and it somehow gets excused on the account that she was briefly aroused by it SERIOUSLY PEOPLE SERIOUSLY Fuck my life He also decides what she should eat what she should wear how she should act speak communicate with him where she can and can t go or what she can and can t do threatens her constantly even with physical violence and the list goes on I kid you not He even has this set out as a contract which by the way is repeated at least 5 times in the fucking book Here s another example of how romantic this mother fucker is I like the control it gives me Anastasia I want you to behave in a particular way and if you don t I shall punish you and you will learn to behave the way I desireSee Romantic as freaking Mel Gibson And by the way the women who find this guy romantic need some serious therapy Seriously Harsh I know but finding this guy romantic is like like excusing the actions of a child molester because he has nice hair This is not romantic This is ABUSIVE and WRONG on sooooo many levelsI don t know why they decided to plant this book in the general romance section This is not romantic And don t give me the IT S MEANT TO BE BDSM SO IT S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DOM VS SUB This goes way beyond the good ol BDSM theme and just ends up treading into abusive territory Christian takes these aspects into the relationship where he ends up not only controlling a woman sexually but also emotionally and deliberately moulding her into not just a sex partner but an ideal of what he wants her to be and leaves her no room for her individuality and instead brands it as punishable That s not part of the BDSM jig I m sorry but it s not Why people even call this romantic is beyond me I already mentioned the abusive aspects of this so called relationship but other than that it was a relationship built on air Since neither of the characters had any personality outside their sex drives they had nothing that they saw in each other They couldn t relate to each other they didn t share any common interests they didn t do any good for each other outside the sexy stuff And at the end they want to pass it off as though the two are actually in love Give me a break Watching people get swooped at by magpies is romantic that this garbageThe plot There was no plot Seriously I could not find it ANYWHERE I searched and searched but alas my search has left me unrewarded Let me explain in a uick paragraph how this book goes Girl meets some guy Some guy is hot Girl thinks some guy is hot Hot some guy shows up where girl who thinks some guy is hot works Hot some guy asks out girl takes her virginity Stuff happens Hot some guy introduces girl who thinks he s hot by the way to his BDSM sex dungeon and the next half of the book is spent pondering whether or not girl who thinks some guy is hot in case it wasn t mentioned enough in the book wants to indulge in hot some guy s fantasies Also the hot some guy takes complete control over girl did I mention she thinks he s hot who seems to be totally okay with it More stuff happens Girl gets spanked too hard breaks up with hot some guy The end That s it That s the whole book And the whole Ohhh Christian has secrets bullcrap in the blurb Bullcrap His secrets are mentioned in only 5% of the book and drive the plot nowhere The book is only about how some asshole wants to control some stupid girl The other characters are barely relevant They were just props whose only role was to be interested in the relationship between Ana and Christian They didn t seem to be interested in anything else They could be buttering toast and thinking I wonder how hard Christian is fucking Ana right now An absolute waste The media might be promoting this tripe as the new hero of literature but this is and always will be just another wart on the ass of literature along with Twilight and all its descendants You know what they say you can polish a turd but it will still be a turd


10 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Grey

  1. says:

    You know I was beginning to wonder if I needed to change some of my two star books to one star I was thinking that I might not ever personally read a book worthy of one star and I was messing up my scale by giving some of the lame books I've

  2. says:

    What in the hell just happened Did I really read that Oh my god I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She's insecure to the point of it being laughable 'klutzy' even though she only trips twice in the entire book and a complete ditz She's a virgin of course who's never taken any sexual interest in anyone before Right I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a woman this naive since 'ro

  3. says:

    Trigger Warning This review contains strong themes to include rapeBefore I begin what will likely become a very long rantpublic service announcement let me first say a few words I have nothing against EL James Nothing She’s said that this series is a fantasy she managed to put on paper and that she never expec

  4. says:

    Introducing an even abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT Now with whips and chains Fifty Shades of Shit Haters please exit stage leftI'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey I thought I might genuinely li

  5. says:

    In the words of Miss Steele You need to sort your shit out Grey Good day sir Fifty Shades of Grey like Fifty shades of fucked up nonsense rolls eyes I should get a medal for just finishing this tripe I honestly do NOT feel like revisiting this book and writing a review I’d rather spend the time searching for ways to remove this utter nonsense from my memory However this book is so bad that I feel the need to warn othe

  6. says:

    Garbage Absolutely horrifying utter trash A waste of trees bookshelf space and precious oh so very fucking precious braincells Honestly why i

  7. says:

    Head's up If any of you fuckers comment at the bottom of this review and say You don't understand BDSM I will hunt you down and make you eat your computer plus the mouse plus the keyboard plus any other internet connected devices in your home including but not limited to iPhones iPods iPads Androids games consoles and ereaders This

  8. says:

    0 stars DNF 55% Review edited Feb

  9. says:

    I didn’t want to start this book Many people are praising it but I’m simply not into erotica it’s too cheap for me But here I am in the mind of the innocent waiting to be devoured by the big bad wolf Sounds pornographic doesn’t it That’s because it is Christian Grey A hot dude that melts a woman’s panties off with just one look The perfect sex toy set out to conuer an innocent girl Grey the sick fck is consi

  10. says:

    Those of you who have had the privilege of reading Fifty Shades of Grey will appreciate the context in which this review was written For those of you who have not read the book well you’ll have to buy a copy to understand the inside joke CONTRACTDated this day 28th day of October 2011 BETWEENPA LUPTON reader and fan Fifty Shades of Grey by E L JamesAndALL FANS OF EROTIC CONTEMPORARY ROMANCEEXPECTATIONSRead

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Tessa Young is an 18 year old college student with a simple life, excellent grades, and a sweet boyfriend She always has things planned out ahead of time, until she meets a rude boy named Harry, with too many tattoos and piercings who shatters her plans.